This week I will be getting another year older, and celebrating like I’m 10 years old and just now experiencing double digits. I don’t always love my birthdays, but when you are a working mom that hardly ever gets a break, just being alive with only a few gray hairs poking straight up out of the pony tail is cause for celebration. Since my son and husband want to know what I really want for my birthday, I thought I’d put up my birthday list here.
I would like to have my first cup of coffee completely alone.
And by “Alone” I don’t mean with the door shut and bolted, but with your lips against the crack, mouth breathing into it as you wait for me to come out. I’d like to say it is just the 6 year old leaned into the crack, but everyone finds the idea of me enjoying something without them absolutely abysmal. If you really want to give me something I want, brew the coffee for me, sneak it onto my nightstand while I’m still cozy in bed and flee. For bonus points, you could slide me my cellphone so I can look at the news (okay fine, look at pictures of kittens) while sipping it.
I would like the kitchen to be in the same condition I left it. Please, skip the breakfast in bed shtick. I know as a mother and wife I’m supposed to beam at you for this valiant effort. Reality is, I haven’t stuck my human face on yet and you’re asking me to People the first second my eyes open. Not only that, but I’m staring at those pancakes floating in syrup and calculating just how many hours of my life I’m going to have to spend cleaning up the effort.
If you really want me to be happy, eat granola bars on the back deck or something so not only is the kitchen clean, I don’t have to draw you a map to the kitchen sink for your own cereal bowls.
Indulge my senses with a toilet paper roll that is not completely empty when I need it.
I understand there is a limit to what one human can do in a day, but if the worst should happen and the toilet paper falleth empty upon your usage, please change it. Just this once. Also, please don’t carefully use only one sheet, because there are two sheets left on the roll and it isn’t technically empty with the one sheet still clinging for life. I’m pretty sure that is some kind of mortal sin. Frankly, your also not that good with manipulating that one piece of toilet paper to begin with. I know. I wash your underwear.
I know it might seem like a lot to you two, but hey, I’m not one of those fancy people who go crazy with requests like peeing by yourself or even taking a whole shower without someone busting in. By now I’m pretty much resigned to putting in an observation deck for concerned dogs and children everywhere if we ever decide to remodel. I’m not asking for the world. I’d just like a couple of things for my birthday, and hey, guess what? All of them are free!
Alright out with it Renegades, house-husbands and wives alike. What is your secret birthday wish?